"So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen."

The evil monster living in my sinuses needs to come out now. I'm pretty sick (ha) of this little game of "let's climb up Jen's nose while she's sleeping and then make her sneeze all day before completely cutting off airflow through her right nostril."

And the evil monster who took money out of my and my coworkers' wallets while we were in a meeting yesterday also needs to come out now. Yes, you were kind enough to actually leave the wallets, IDs, credit cards, drivers' licenses and other paraphernalia in our purses. And most of us were deemed worthy of keeping the small bills (under-twenties) as mementos. And you even cleaned up after yourself, so nothing would look amiss.

But that's just not cool, man.

Next staff meeting, you'll be saying hello to my little friend.

(What, you might ask, IS my little friend? Unfortunately, I don't have access to Scarface's toys. So, it's either going to be a webcam or a mousetrap. I'm kind of partial to the latter, as I firmly believe that a sprung mousetrap on one's fingers is an excellent mark of criminal intent, but I have a feeling our secret sting operation subcommittee won't buy into it. Shhhh, don't tell anyone.)

(What? No. Are you kidding? Of course the police aren't involved. Yes we filed a report -- which came back riddled with typos, by the way. But it was pretty much a reenactment of the report filing in The Big Lebowski - i.e., "leeeeads". So we're taking matters into our own CSI:Miami-trained hands.)

"Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom."