commence lockdown procedure

Of all of the pants that I've bought over the past 12 months or so (both men's and women's - yes, I go both ways on the pants), I'd say about 75% of them have this ridiculous combination of tabs, buttons, and zippers to close them at the waist.

Has anyone else noticed this trend?

Putting on pants has become an overly complicated process.
1. Find pants.
2. Pull on pants.
3. Button the flap of fabric that goes behind the open fly.
4. Zip up fly.
5. Pull tab across to catch hooks on bars.

And forget about getting them off. My personal record for undoing these pants is at least three times that of my good old button-fly jeans. As a result, my bladder's fortitude has been put to the test on several occasions.

So why the reinforced (and arguably redundant) closures? I have a few hypotheses.

The first, and most boring hypothesis, is that the front of the pants lays flatter this way. I have performed extensive research in my closet laboratory, and this simply is not true. In fact, the bulk created by all of the extra fabric juts out like a belt buckle.

Number two: Structural engineers have finally noticed and responded to the dangerous amounts of stress placed on the average American waistband.

Number three: The FCC has infiltrated the fashion industry to ensure the eradication of clothing 'malfunctions'. The vast increase of low-riding pants has made it critical that a privacy panel be positioned behind the fly, just in case the zipper breaks. (See also Number two.)

Number four: The Bush Administration, in partnership with The Gap, has successfully created the first socially acceptable chastity belt. Available in curvy and modern fit.

Number five: Successful lobbying efforts by the CMC.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to powder my nose in about ten minutes.